Tag Archives: train

The Pressure

8 Apr

Hello friends!!!

I hope Monday greeted you with a warm hug and cup of piping hot coffee instead of my alternative…a 4:00a wake up call for a 4:30a boarding time, an empty stomach taunted by the fresh aroma of coffee, blueberry scones, toasted bagels, butter, and eggs all begging me to indulge in just one bite (I was fasting), and a cold MRI machine hours later…(blog to follow). The adventures of my Monday wrapped up with the disappointing loss for Wisconsin. Who wants Duke? Ever? Really? I gladly threw in the towel to meet my dreams. 

I woke up thinking Tuesday ought to be better, right? Until I looked at my phone displaying a number of text alerts. Some legit. Some ok. Some from my tribe of girls. Some casual hellos. Some of which had my mind spin in a tizzy. The pressure to remain calm overwhelmed me. I had to remember I can’t change anyone’s opinion of me. It is out of my control. 

Then I started thinking of other things out of my control. Things like death and taxes. But seriously, things like the health of my family members and friends and my being so far away. All the the things that break my heart. All the things I can’t control. I want to take everyone’s pain away. I don’t want anyone to suffer, ever. I feel I’m better equipped to handle pain, heartache, discomfort, grief, etc. I would gladly take it all from you because you don’t deserve it, whether we are strained friends, lovers, or what have you, I believe in forgiveness and acceptance and you still and always will matter to me. So let me handle your pressures and I’ll run it out (when this injury is healed).

Anyway, I became emotionally numb to my text messages this morning. Messages with twisted and contorted truths hijacking my happiness. It put me in an awkward state of frozen discomfort all day, emotionally and physically. I was drowning. Paralyzed. Then there’s my hip also paralyzed from the arthrogram yesterday. Ugh.

I was frozen in pain overthinking all my realities. 

I decided early on I needed tunes to warm my heart and my hip…

And there you have it, this song was the backdrop of my mood today.

 

Particularly:

 “…But it’s really out of my control. The way you feel is not my problem…”

“…Have you seen my f**ks to give? I have none, I cannot live with…”

“…The pressure. The pressure you know I feel. The pressure. The pressure to keep it real. Pay attention to the signs. Stay and listen, you will find. Everything, ain’t rocket science. Every gem is not a diamond.”

Sorry to be so forward about the lyrics, have you seen my f**ks to give; however, it was a very necessary line that helped me pull out from the undercurrent. Why do I care about people who are committed to misunderstanding me and who don’t care about me? I shouldn’t give a F!

The pressure to wear a smile when heartache and tears overtake me for what feels like an infinite number of reasons consumed me today. Tears were streaming down my face and I was drowning in the salty reality that things, all things, come to an end. 

My lips caught each tear and with each taste I gave it a breath of prayer. Prayers for so many things. Prayers for the strength to accept that your perspective of me is none of my business (small potatoes); prayers for my grandparents health; prayers that we find a cure for cancer (fuck cancer) (stand up to cancer!) (big potatoes); prayers that people learn how to forgive so they don’t grapple with grief when it’s too late; prayers for understanding, acceptance, compassion; prayers for the health and safety of my family-blood and those I choose as blood; and so much more. 

With each tear the integrity of my mascara was tested. I couldn’t let on that something was wrong-that and my vanity got the best of me, so I took refuge in the bathroom to ensure I had no raccoon eyes and tried to pull myself together.  

I looked in the mirror and with my mirror-face I gestured silently to myself, “Stay strong, woman! You got this.” I reminded myself everything is a fight and counted my blessings. I splashed cold water on my cheeks, twisted and secured my hair with the use of a pencil , painted my lips coral and put my big girl game face on. 

I couldn’t compromise my feelings today. I couldn’t negotiate and let them spill over. Ok, maybe I did for a minute but I handled it. The pressure pulled me under but I caught my breath soon after. Sure it was a doggy-paddle but I made it up for air. I am accepting the ebb and flow of life. 

Salty words camouflaged as sweet gave new meanings to my state of reality today. Recent other realities gave me other new meanings to life, love, friendships and the true meaning of wealth. It is in those realities I have found that life gets harder but only because we get stronger…

I’d like to give kudos to fate, too. Fate brings us together when we need each other the most. Fate has helped me to celebrate the change of seasons with those I love so deeply. Looking back, the best portions of my realities have been the small, nameless moments that will forever be memories imprinted on my soul. Memories spent smiling, crying and laughing, all of which are acts that leave me in tears, with those who have warmed my heart. If it weren’t for the pressures of life, I would be void of experience and therefore, without my salty elixir.

Therefore, I thank life for pressure-it doesn’t diminish my gratitude, it adds to it.

Thank you for stopping by and reading a blurb about my life between the miles!!!

I’m so grateful for you! 

How do you handle pressure?

XO

Valgal 

 

 

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The Running Funk

1 Aug

I Don't Want To

This is me. No, really. This is me.

This is my inner child. My inner child is almost always springy, vibrant and doing the happy dance because: I just crushed my running goals, played with the puppies and Silas made turkey gobble gobble sounds that put me in gut-wrenching hysterics, or because I have gummy bears and sprinkles on my froyo.

As you can see, I’m not springy, vibrant or doing the happy dance. I’m having a temper-tantrum. I’m completely and utterly unmotivated to lace up and go run. I tried to run yesterday but after one brief mile I threw my hands up and said better luck manana. Today is manana and I still don’t want to get out there. What is going on with me?

My hamstrings are tight. My shoulders hurt. My back hurts. I feel like the kiddo from Pixar’s film, Up.

Russell: [Whining] I’m tired! My knee hurts!

Carl Fredricksen: Which knee?

Russell: …My elbow hurts!

Am I having phantom pains to excuse my lack of commitment to run? Or am I just whining?

Uh oh. Is this The Running Funk?

I’ve been driven to crush my goals and measure my progress by racing; however, this time of year there aren’t many races that cater to my wants. I can do fun runs, 5ks, Ragnar Relays etc. They are all great and fun but they don’t satiate my hunger for endurance and self-discipline. They don’t test my limits or my spirit. That’s where I get my thrill.

What’s the alternative to gauge my progress? All my goals are months out. I run. I train. I cross-train. When I do partake in these activities, I do so with intensity.  But I lack a formal training plan right now and I think this is the reason for my running funk. I think this is where my objection to go running stems from. I need structure. I need deadlines. I need a race that makes me feel inferior so that when I cross the finish line my inner child sticks out her tongue and says “nanna, nanna, nanna!”

But theses races are months away.

How do I fight the running funk that is now?

It’s not a performance plateau running funk. It’s not an injury endorsed running funk. It’s a mental running funk.

Suggestions are welcomed!

Until then, my inner child and I are going to go out for a run (even though she doesn’t want to). The notion is making her unpleasant and her behavior is very disruptive. I will defend the need for a run by telling her we need to get the BQ marathon monkey off our back. Ooooh, monkeys! The gentle distraction from running to monkeys puts a sparkle in her eyes and has altered her frustration to that of amusement! That and the promise of some froyo with gummy bears disguised by a layer of colorful sprinkles.

Oh inner child…let’s run. Let’s run this funk out.

Happy Running!

Thanks for stopping by!

XO

Valgal

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