Tag Archives: friendships

The Pressure

8 Apr

Hello friends!!!

I hope Monday greeted you with a warm hug and cup of piping hot coffee instead of my alternative…a 4:00a wake up call for a 4:30a boarding time, an empty stomach taunted by the fresh aroma of coffee, blueberry scones, toasted bagels, butter, and eggs all begging me to indulge in just one bite (I was fasting), and a cold MRI machine hours later…(blog to follow). The adventures of my Monday wrapped up with the disappointing loss for Wisconsin. Who wants Duke? Ever? Really? I gladly threw in the towel to meet my dreams. 

I woke up thinking Tuesday ought to be better, right? Until I looked at my phone displaying a number of text alerts. Some legit. Some ok. Some from my tribe of girls. Some casual hellos. Some of which had my mind spin in a tizzy. The pressure to remain calm overwhelmed me. I had to remember I can’t change anyone’s opinion of me. It is out of my control. 

Then I started thinking of other things out of my control. Things like death and taxes. But seriously, things like the health of my family members and friends and my being so far away. All the the things that break my heart. All the things I can’t control. I want to take everyone’s pain away. I don’t want anyone to suffer, ever. I feel I’m better equipped to handle pain, heartache, discomfort, grief, etc. I would gladly take it all from you because you don’t deserve it, whether we are strained friends, lovers, or what have you, I believe in forgiveness and acceptance and you still and always will matter to me. So let me handle your pressures and I’ll run it out (when this injury is healed).

Anyway, I became emotionally numb to my text messages this morning. Messages with twisted and contorted truths hijacking my happiness. It put me in an awkward state of frozen discomfort all day, emotionally and physically. I was drowning. Paralyzed. Then there’s my hip also paralyzed from the arthrogram yesterday. Ugh.

I was frozen in pain overthinking all my realities. 

I decided early on I needed tunes to warm my heart and my hip…

And there you have it, this song was the backdrop of my mood today.

 

Particularly:

 “…But it’s really out of my control. The way you feel is not my problem…”

“…Have you seen my f**ks to give? I have none, I cannot live with…”

“…The pressure. The pressure you know I feel. The pressure. The pressure to keep it real. Pay attention to the signs. Stay and listen, you will find. Everything, ain’t rocket science. Every gem is not a diamond.”

Sorry to be so forward about the lyrics, have you seen my f**ks to give; however, it was a very necessary line that helped me pull out from the undercurrent. Why do I care about people who are committed to misunderstanding me and who don’t care about me? I shouldn’t give a F!

The pressure to wear a smile when heartache and tears overtake me for what feels like an infinite number of reasons consumed me today. Tears were streaming down my face and I was drowning in the salty reality that things, all things, come to an end. 

My lips caught each tear and with each taste I gave it a breath of prayer. Prayers for so many things. Prayers for the strength to accept that your perspective of me is none of my business (small potatoes); prayers for my grandparents health; prayers that we find a cure for cancer (fuck cancer) (stand up to cancer!) (big potatoes); prayers that people learn how to forgive so they don’t grapple with grief when it’s too late; prayers for understanding, acceptance, compassion; prayers for the health and safety of my family-blood and those I choose as blood; and so much more. 

With each tear the integrity of my mascara was tested. I couldn’t let on that something was wrong-that and my vanity got the best of me, so I took refuge in the bathroom to ensure I had no raccoon eyes and tried to pull myself together.  

I looked in the mirror and with my mirror-face I gestured silently to myself, “Stay strong, woman! You got this.” I reminded myself everything is a fight and counted my blessings. I splashed cold water on my cheeks, twisted and secured my hair with the use of a pencil , painted my lips coral and put my big girl game face on. 

I couldn’t compromise my feelings today. I couldn’t negotiate and let them spill over. Ok, maybe I did for a minute but I handled it. The pressure pulled me under but I caught my breath soon after. Sure it was a doggy-paddle but I made it up for air. I am accepting the ebb and flow of life. 

Salty words camouflaged as sweet gave new meanings to my state of reality today. Recent other realities gave me other new meanings to life, love, friendships and the true meaning of wealth. It is in those realities I have found that life gets harder but only because we get stronger…

I’d like to give kudos to fate, too. Fate brings us together when we need each other the most. Fate has helped me to celebrate the change of seasons with those I love so deeply. Looking back, the best portions of my realities have been the small, nameless moments that will forever be memories imprinted on my soul. Memories spent smiling, crying and laughing, all of which are acts that leave me in tears, with those who have warmed my heart. If it weren’t for the pressures of life, I would be void of experience and therefore, without my salty elixir.

Therefore, I thank life for pressure-it doesn’t diminish my gratitude, it adds to it.

Thank you for stopping by and reading a blurb about my life between the miles!!!

I’m so grateful for you! 

How do you handle pressure?

XO

Valgal 

 

 

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The Kiss of Miscommunication

29 Mar

Good morning lovelies,

I hope you’re all having a fabulous Sunday morning. I’m sitting down sipping on hot coffee, and no there’s no Bailey’s. It’s just me and Joe. Our relationship has been going strong since I was 15 and I told Joe I need and want to taste new experiences.  I apologized but expressed that I still want to meet once a day.

And here we are. We’re having intimate conversation. Because of my honesty, there was no kiss of miscommunication. I reflect on how the quality of conversation is better than quantity. I’m sipping slow and in no rush, an arrant contrast to my normal hustle.

I express to Joe that I am overwhelmed by the friendships I have. Overwhelmed in the best way! I am overwhelmed by the intimacy and the honesty of conversation. We don’t judge. We respect each other and our differences. We support each other and when the world piles on more shit than you’re prepared for, they are in the shit with you, helping you to come out smelling like a rose. We may stink for a while, but we’re ready to blossom. And when lightness prevails, we bloom. We smile. We laugh. We radiate in vibrant colors that dull the dark spots. These ladies are my DC Blossoms. I love them. Every single one of them.

I reflect on some friendships where in one particular moment we greeted each other with goodbye. We hadn’t known we were doing that, but we did. In one moment we kissed each other on the cheek with miscommunication. I was telling Joe that I remember the day and it was a casual conversation. It was, “Yes, I’ll definitely try to be there but it’s going to be based on daadaadaadada…” Well, daadaadaadada had me flake out because I had to tend to other obligations. I thought I was clear with my friends but evidently I wasn’t.

A few months have come and went and there has been loud silence. Text message alerts are promises that they aren’t from them.

During my darkest days I had friends who understood my silence. Friends who did not implore me to talk about things but knew what was going on. They allowed to introvert knowing it had nothing to do with them. I had other friends outside of my tribe who are not as close to me but they came out when I was weak and built me up. These were friends I hadn’t ever thought would stand strong with me. Friends who I thought were friends out of convenience. I was proved wrong. These men and women are my family. They didn’t allow me to face the bull alone. Proof that the right people-the ones who really belong in my life, came to me when they knew I needed them without me saying a single word.

I’m telling Joe that I am blessed and grateful for these friendships. How did I luck into such incredible friendships with these men and women?! There are no boundaries. There is no discrimination. But while I reflect I’m honestly disappointed in some that have fell silent. Now I know I’m stubborn but I want to reach out. But are we supposed to chase people to be in our life? I am over here being myself, doing my own thing, working hard and living each day embracing the magic. But some of these people have magic that I miss.

The kiss of miscommunication because I was introverting. I didn’t think I needed to explain myself. I was trying to rebuild my world.

Joe thinks I should reach out..I think it’s a good idea.

Until tomorrow.

Happy Sunday Funday!

It’s time for brunch! The road to recovery means champagne for breakfast!!!

XO

Valgal  

 

Silence is a Gift

8 Feb

Hello friends,

It’s February! I’m one for stating the obvious…

So what…it’s February you must be thinking…Well it means I’m one month away from new digs and one month away from my third marathon. I’m one month away from a lot of other details in my life that are bittersweet. March 6th is going to greet me with a warm welcome and tell me that I gained entry into the NYC Marathon (I’m hopeful) hosted in the cold month of November! The date will also register imminent details that I will protect with silence.

Silence is a good thing. I’ve said this a time or two but I prefer silence over noise. I’m very connected with being me and enjoy my company. I have a healthy relationship with a treadmill. He accepts my silence while I run all over him. I don’t get barraged with questions to explain my state of few words. He gets me.

I’m amazed to discover that some people don’t get me. I’m not complicated. I’m quite the contrary. I am very easy-going if you took a minute to stop judging.

Some assume l’m high-maintenance because I look “high-maintenance.” Oh boy! I’ve got them fooled! My stilettos and attire are like veneers—they enhance how I feel about myself! I feel good more often than not and I want to exude that via my veneers! That is NOT high-maintenance. It just means that I always want to be on! But being on doesn’t mean I need a face full of makeup while I sashay the streets or my small city apartment in stilettos. Being on is a state of confidence. I get my confidence from sweating, running, reading, learning, mascara, red lips, dresses, athletic attire, and stilettos to name a few.

People see my “veneers” and tell me it makes me unapproachable…unapproachable!? REALLY? Why? Even when I’m a sweaty monster with my checks (not my ass) bouncing around? Yeah, okay. Lay off that crack-pipe, will you? I suppose it’s a compliment but not really. I’m unapproachable because I like to be on? Is being on having a coordinated outfit on while I sweat? Oh gee! We have different perspectives! I suppose your opinion of me is okay…especially if it means I don’t have to converse with you and listen to your first-world problems. It means more time for me…more silence! More time for me to be on.

I’m type-A? Yeah, you got that right! Can’t dispute this one. People know this right off the shoot. Judge all you want baby!!!

Other than being labeled type-A, I’m tired of being labeled and generalized. I am not complicated. If you think of me as complicated it is because you chose not to understand me. You try, maybe, but can’t quite put me in a box and wrap a ribbon around it.

I’m not focused on understanding others. I accept people for who they are, adoring and loving them for being real and honest. So why do others try to figure me out? There’s nothing to figure!

I’m living my life. I have some wounds but I wear them proudly! My name is Valerie. Valgal. Valarina. Valeria. Val. V. Shortay. JD. HB. Whiz Bang. Junior Mouth. The list goes on. (If you happen to be super close with me or you’re my family you know what each name means *winkwink*) I have big hands for my short stature but an even bigger heart. I feel the weight of the world. A commercial could put me in tears. I want: to go to Rwanda and nurture kiddos, take time and volunteer more like I used to, work hard, be well-respected for my ambitions and talents, seek not to be well-known but worth knowing, breathe in life-mistakes and all, exhale love, have inconvenient and all-consuming love, butterflies, and passion for life. I will challenge the status quo every chance I can. I do not want to be limited by the judgements of others or believe in the lie of limitation. I will exercise silence when you need me to listen and will not judge.

God has given me divine beauty. He chose me and created me in His likeness and image.

And it is that very fact that helps me hold my head high and beg of you to stop judging. Stop judging me. Stop judging others. Allow for people that are different from you to teach you from their life lessons.

In a world so big, as sacred as silence is, listening without an air of criticism is uncommon. Sometimes silence from your own voice is all we ALL need.

I’m fascinated by other people and chose not to categorize and stereotype them.

We are all made up of experiences and quirks. That is what makes us uniquely unique.

Shouldn’t we love each other and accept each other for our individuality? YES!

Who we are is based on our life experiences. Experience is a stamp of authenticity. It gives substance to our spirit! There isn’t a person you wouldn’t love or judge if you could read their story.

I have a story! But my story is mine. Some chapters are public while others are private. Who gives you permission to judge?

There’s nothing wrong with me other than wanting more from myself. So I ask you politely, stop judging and accept! Accept that I am not a fan of gambling but recognize that I will always bet on myself, especially this year. I will Boston Qualify. I will laugh. I will travel. I will cry. I will sashay in my stilettos across some fancy resort while its view eludes that the sky kisses the salty elixir of the water. I will have two or more new stamps in my passport. I will race on different continents! The countdown is on. Therefore, 2015 promises to be lucrative!!! Emotional but lucrative. I am so on!!!

It’s February. I have ten months to make sure 2015 is a dream. Ten months to get them stamps in my passport!!! I want to succeed with my goals as a bad as I want to breathe. I have confidence! I WILL be successful (with setbacks, heartache, and all). Running gave me the grit to press on through the pain, and baby, I’m on!!! I might not talk about my struggles but silence is a gift (that sometimes surprises you with stilettos and Newtons). Don’t cast judgement because you are committed to misunderstanding me. Just accept me.

Thanks for stopping by!

XO

Valgal

Be Present

22 Jan

Hi friends!!!

I hope you’re having a wonderful Thursday!

I’ve been running a lot lately preparing for my third marathon. There’s a lot of me time going on which means there’s a lot of thinking.

I don’t need to think.

I overthink. I always overthink which leads me to over analyze every single detail in my life.

How do I just run without thinking?

How do you run without thinking?

I stumbled upon an incredible article thanks to a good friend that is helping me to Be Present, titled, 38 Lessons I’ve Learned in My 38 Years. http://zenhabits.net/38

Number 5 speaks to me.

“The moment is all there is. All our worries and plans about the future, all our replaying of things that happened in the past – it’s all in our heads, and it just distracts us from fully living right now. Let go of all that, and just focus on what you’re doing, right at this moment. In this way, any activity can be meditation.”

I need to practice this. I’m going to practice this today onward – on or off the course.

I recognize that I often times feel things too deeply because I set unrealistic expectations of myself and others.

For those who I drive crazy because I am always trying to coordinate and plan your/our next move, I am so sorry.

Hamlet said, “There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.”

Therefore, I have decided to form a resolution that doubles as my runalution. I may be late to the game but this is too important to me to not commit to.

I am going to eliminate expectations. I’m going to Be Present. I read another article that struck me. I read it ten times over I swear. It explains my heavy heart at times. It reads, “When people disappoint you, it’s not their fault. They’re just being who they are. Your expectations are at fault.”

Right there says it all. My expectations have been at fault.

I have expected people to: set expectations; set boundaries; call me when they think I want them to (what a flawed method) rather when they want to; speak intelligently; speak with love; speak with honesty; be passionate; love their job; defy mediocracy (because status quo is boring – ah ha moment – to me); be optimistic; accept my flaws; accept that I run; put me first; be selfless; be motivated; have a hobby; be kind; be generous; multitask; be authentic; and so much more. How selfish is that?

I realize today that that’s not fair. I can try to be all those things but I shouldn’t dare project my expectations on you.

I’m here to tell you friend, that I am sorry.

I am sorry I have wedged a space between what we already experience with distance.

Today, while I run, I’ll focus on my breathing. I’ll focus on my stride. I’ll focus on my cadence. I will stop trying to relive and over analyze my past for details I missed. I will Be Present.

Please take this friend as my apology and greet me with your forgiveness.

Happy running friends.

Happy anything!

All my love and gratitude.

Here’s to being present!

How do you Be Present?

What do you think about when you run?

XO

Valgal

I’m Sorry. I’ve Been So Busy.

21 Jan

Hello friends!

I hope you’re all doing fantabulous!!! Wohoo to fantabulous!

You know what is fantabulous? The moment you realize people are full of shit but you discreetly smile and nod.

Here’s one of my biggest gripes.

Keep reading.

This one will getcha!

When someone says, “I’m sorry. I’ve been so busy!”

I immediately question their intent and contemplate in silence “Oh, you’ve been so busy? Really? Hmmm. Reeeeeeaaalllly?”

My mind wanders.

I question their authenticity.

I mean shiiiiiiiiit…they’ve been so busy…

This leads me to believe their downright negligence to maintain, at the very least, mediocre communication through all means possible, is due to some grand selfless act! It gives me reason to speculate that they must be stationed in Uganda researching the cause and effect of the country’s confirmed case of Marburg or they must be curing cancer!

In the event they have methods of communication, while being sensitive to the fact that the time zone is a bitch to deal with, one would hypothesize that while they are on the John they would attempt to send a text, “Hi, I’m on the shitter in Uganda and the stars are so bright. Thinking of you!!” – that would do, might be weird and offhandedly romantic? But it would do. Or at the very least, muster up enough courage to play a word via Words With Friends…unsure if you’re about to open up a sought after tile and be crushed-to receive a notification hours later that I went in for the kill with the triple word score!

However, when my emotions subside I see clear as day. And day tells me this…Gee…Visiting a third world country to fight famine, poverty, and disease to name a few is a hell of a lot more selfless than my own objectives. I mean so and so is out there curing cancer and I’m over here training for a marathon. Ha. That ain’t shit! I only have to suffer for three and a half hours on a course with conveniently placed port-a-potty’s for said shit (just in case) while you have to suffer on a makeshift John in the middle of the dark Uganda terrain until the dangerous wildabeasts get some shuteye.

Who am I to judge that, “[You’re] sorry. [You’ve] been so busy?” You’re saving lives! I get it! You’re also trying to shit in peace! I totally get it. You’re the brave one!

I’m only here working, learning, finishing my masters program, and training for a marathon to name a few. I’m only relatively busy. But you, you’re so busy. I could send you some two-ply toilet paper. That’s my peace offering.

Too much?

I’m sorry I’m not sorry.

I’m sorry that when I hear, “I’m sorry. I’ve been so busy” I hear, Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah.

Truth is, everyone is busy. When you try to make it an excuse for a lack of communication, it comes off negative.

I don’t do negative.

Let me reiterate, everyone is freakin busy.

Kara Goucher, my idol, NOW she is busy. An Olympic long distance runner, marathoner, mother, wife, sponsored by Oiselle…yea, she’s busy…

But you’re curing…[fill in blank space].

That makes it better?

Nah.

You’re probably curing a comatose state.

My philosophy goes-you matter to me; therefore, I make time for you by carving time out of my schedule for you. I try. I do. *How does a late lunch sound after my three-hour training session? I have to shower and clean up so I don’t arrive a stinky, sweaty monster. But yes, I want to see you. I’ll accommodate the best I can. Do you understand? I try.

Your philosophy goes-I care about myself, and when you’re convenient I will show you I care, but really, you don’t matter enough to me to make this routine; therefore, I won’t and I don’t plan to go out of my way to make time for you, unless it benefits me.

But that’s okay. You’re in Uganda and you’re curing cancer! I’m so privileged and blessed to know you!

You’re fantabulous!

I’ll raise money during my next marathon to support your mission!

Isn’t that fantabulous?

If you don’t recognize this as a comedic satire, “I’m sorry. I’ve been so busy.” I’ve been so busy trying to deliberately write this brief blog while trying to make sense of your true motives.

Now that’s freaking fantabulous.

Your authenticity is weak and I don’t give a shiiiiiiiit. I’ve already supplied you with enough stock in toilet paper to tend to your own.

In the meantime, I’ll keep being too busy, but not busy enough to make excuses.

And therein lies my point…people are busy but people use it as a crutch to explain their lack of communication or distance. In my heart of hearts, I believe people should exercise candor and perhaps say, “I’m sorry. I’ve been so busy. I know you are busy as well. But right now I need to decompress.” This would be okay in my book. I recognize we all need time for ourselves. We all need to decompress and be restored. It’s healthy. It’s not selfish. It is only selfish when the behavior is habitual, giving off the impression that being busy means you’re only partially proficient in time management. Aye! I can’t expect people to act or think like me, so when I hear the excuse, I smile and nod…

Thanks for stopping by friends! I think it’s fantabulous you weren’t too busy to read this! You rock!

Happy running!

Don’t let anyone steal your time away from your goals! Stay true to you. What I have witnessed is that people are unwavering in their own commitments that you shouldn’t sway your own to meet theirs…unless of course you want to.

Because of you I blog! I blog about running and my life between the miles. I am honored and blessed that you stopped by today. :)))

Thank you!

XO

Valgal

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