It Won’t Be Simple

27 Apr

Hello friends!

A blog today about my life between the miles. 
Let’s talk about love. I’m not getting gushy on you I swear but instead, honest. About damn time huh? I have a peculiar arrangement but it’s not unlike several others out there. I read it best the other day by Cheryl Strayed in her book Tiny Beautiful Things. Her ability to transcribe it into a raw form had me riveted. What I thought was a feeling inexplicable to delineate was far from it. 
Taken from a page in her book:
“[Love] It is not so incomprehensible as you pretend, sweet pea. Love is a feeling we have for those we care deeply about and hold in high regard. It can be as light as the hug we give a friend or heavy as the sacrifices we make for our children. It can be romantic, platonic, familial, fleeting, everlasting, conditional, unconditional, imbued with sorrow, stoked by sex, sullied by abuse, amplified by kindness, twisted by betrayal, deepened by time, darkened by difficulty, leavened by generosity, nursed by humor, and loaded with promises and commitments that we may or may not want to keep. The best thing you can possibly do with your life is tackle the motherfucking shit out of love…”
And it was in that moment I recognized the feeling of relief. The answer to my question had it ever been a question was staring right at me in a string of letters comprising words on a page. 
I was reminded that love should not hinge on practicality, status quo or convenience. Was I suspect to all three? Had I been a villain? Probably.
The idea of love warms my heart. However, saying the word love and having it fall off your lips is devoid of seduction if you don’t act in love. Seduction is an art and we all want to be seduced, but don’t we want to taste the nectar of the fruit of our labor, too? Don’t we want to tackle the motherfucking shit out of it in all its forms, ugly and beautiful, soft and edged?
I’m no walk in the park. He knew that. Others know that and probably mutter silent prayers that they took a detour! I hope he enjoyed the journey. Or perhaps only the view? This is where I’m caught up.
The journey is the magic of growing and being authentic. It’s a colorful journey painted with pit stops and wrong turns, injuries, memories tainted with rejection, truths that hurt you to your core and challenge your character and then the deliberate lies to try to make it all better and cover up the emotional wounds and scars. There is laughter and song and dance. It’s all the stuff thrown at you like confetti in your relationship while you try your hardest to avert the colors that hurt you each time you pass Go.  
A lesson learned on this path is self-discovery. There is no right or wrong way in or out of love. It is the very path of love and it is dictated by no one individual. Colors bleed together or repel from one another. Time changes the palette but it doesn’t make it any less real. Love lost is greater than no love at all. F***, how many time must we lose out on love? The chaos of love paints a pretty picture made up of broken hearts, shame, disappointment and reverie but I’m hopeful there is meaning to it all.
The meaning I take away for now is that I’m going to tackle the motherfucking shit out of love-love for myself. I want to experience all the colors.
It’s time to start being authentic, time to start being Valerie. I’m on the verge of 30 which is unremarkable because I’ve been claiming I’m 30 for two years now. I’m comfortable in that box. And now I’m comfortable to be 30 and divorced.
There you have it. I said it D.I.V.O.R.C.E. 
And let me tell you, this color is by NO means unflattering. You can be pretty in pain. You can be pretty in pink. You can be pretty in red. And heck, you can look pretty in Divorce!!!
I grappled with my marriage from day 2. He knew it. For privacy we will leave it at that. I’m thankful for the journey with him. Some colors were familiar while others haunting. I hurt a lot. He hurt a lot because he couldn’t fix me-I’m not saying I was broken…Every day we smiled pushing forward. The relentless ways we tried to carry on was exhausting. I wasn’t living my truth and I was robbing him of his. I dimmed his light and that wasn’t fair.
We continued towards forever but it felt like a lie. I apologize to him for that. I experienced a whirlwind of emotions on that path. High and low. Good and bad. Silly and uncomfortable. However, I was always anxious. Colors bled together and lost their vibrancy. 
I speculated the path I was on. Running gives you a destination and I felt that my non-running life had none. With running there is an end-goal, that sought after finish line that promises the emotions, the sweat, the tears, and the pain will all be worth it…but I didn’t have that same vision. The emotions, the sweat and the tears were weighing me down and probably him too. My colors were fading. We didn’t share a vision because I didn’t have a vision. I was lolly gagging around to nowhere. For that, I am so sorry. 
In running you can take so many different routes and still end up at your destination. Paths can take you left, right, straight ahead, shit you can even side-step and go backwards a time or two and still get to where you want to go. You’re still on the map and its flourished with a canopy of the richest green or painted with autumn leaves. I was off the map. I was bound by no white winter snow or desert landscape. I was off the grid somewhere familiar but very alone. He didn’t make me feel alone. By all means he tried to get me to feel “un-alone” but I pushed him away and remained alone. I couldn’t pull out from under it. I loved but my love was “loaded with promises and commitments” that I didn’t want to keep  because I changed when our problems didn’t. The painting of us looked the same to outsiders but to each other, our perceptions and realities gave it a whole new face. Sure we were happy! We are good people but by no means were we/are we saints. There are no halos adorning our crowns. The course we were on changed somewhere before “I Do” and in the middle of loving ourselves, our true and authentic selves after saying “I Do.” I blame myself for always changing the course but I hope he finds a new color that warms his heart where my colors couldn’t.
I never changed the course out of malicious intent. I changed the course because I started being Valerie. Others may claim I was or still am lost but I assure you, while I’m not found, I’m back on the map. A destination will be had and its decorated with ocean horizons and soft sand. 
I owe it to him to say this-this is not a beat down. This is not a diatribe or memoir about what went wrong. This is my truth. This is me saying what has happened has happened and I implore him to move forward in the direction of happiness as well to tackle the motherfucking shit out of love by loving himself and someone special selflessly-The color of true and unapologetic romance.
I’ve been struggling with my emotions as of late because of my right hip’s labral tear. It has limited my running abilities consequentially limiting my ability to outpour my emotions on the path. I haven’t had an outlet until I decided to travel. I traveled on the grid but off my known map. I got outside of my head and explored a world where the current was strong but my will to not be frozen by fear was stronger (I got in the water).
I’m carrying on walking (wish I were running) in my own park-a destination I know well but caution others if they don’t want a pistol with a frontier mind. It’s a colorful place and you won’t be bored. It is a place I’m proud to own! I’m hoping someone special will enjoy not just the view but the journey with me one day. Until then…
and until next time…
Happy strolling (running) in your park! 😉 And may you be blessed with love in its best boundless forms. It won’t be simple. But it’ll be worth it. It’s always worth it. Love lost and love found-it’s always worth it! Thank you for the self-discovery and the lessons.


9 Responses to “It Won’t Be Simple”

  1. cecilia April 28, 2015 at 12:18 am #

    Valerie I know we are not the closest of friends but I am proud of you. It takes courage to be who you are and know when to let go even when wr know it will hurt.

    I told you long ago that I see you falling in love with someone and having it all, I wish you happiness today and always. xoxo CC

    • valerietoth April 28, 2015 at 5:29 am #

      CC, thank you!!!

    • valerietoth April 28, 2015 at 5:29 am #

      For all others: I appreciate everyone’s comments. Please know it’s is very amicable process between the two of us. If anything, we would love to be the rule instead of the exception. There’s no fighting dirty. Why? Where this is love will remain love regardless if it takes on new shapes. I am well. If you know him, I’m sure you know he is well. Please support us with encouragement by doing each other a solid instead of cutting me or him down. No need to take sides. What’s done is done and it was a blessing and a beautiful life lesson. For that, I [I’m sure we] are both blessed. What’s been difficult is speculation and gossip. F that! I have no tolerance. I decided to share through my blog about my life between the miles to illustrate that it doesn’t need to get ugly. Diplomacy is too underrated and I would encourage us all to use a little more in our day to day journeys. Smile. Breathe. And remember that an attitude of gratitude serves everyone.

  2. Jen April 28, 2015 at 2:40 am #

    There’s my girl. 😊
    I see you’re starting to find the lessons.
    Proud of you and love your motherfucking heart.

    • valerietoth April 28, 2015 at 5:30 am #

      Jen!!!!!! Thank you! I loved this comment!!!! XO

    • valerietoth April 28, 2015 at 5:35 am #

      Ok Jen, one more thing-thank you for your wisdom and your love! You are such a godsend and I love your encouragement to be brave with my life! Thank you for sharing with me your story and helping me find my compassion to write about it. XO

  3. John April 28, 2015 at 11:57 am #

    Valerie – My toughest lessons during that time were to figure out if I liked being alone with myself and to see if I could practice the Platinum Rule. I learned my biggest fear in life was being alone, and I eventually discovered writing as a means to reduce the loss, anger, frustration, and sense of being unwanted. As for the Platinum Rule, I discovered that many folks claim to practice the Golden Rule like it was a tattoo of some kind. The Golden Rule says to treat people the way you want to be treated, but the Platinum Rule says you should figure out how other people want to be treated and then treat them that way. One is conditional on the other person (i.e, “Be nice to me because I was nice to you.”), and the other is entirely dependent on your willingness to completely understand the other persons point of view without trying to impose your own point of view. For example, as much as I don’t like the kind of music my wife listens to, I make it a point to keep up to date on the artists she likes — buy her the latest CD, get her tickets to shows for her and her daughters, make sure I know when they’re on some awards show, etc. It brought me to my mantra that I need to be a better friend to better people. It’s inherent, upon me, to find quality individuals in life and to practice the Platinum Rule as I develop that friendship. Granted, it excludes some folks, and it can be harsh in its application, but it produces people around me that are not just valuable in my life but in anyone persons life as well. Years ago I wrote a poem that described the difference between women and men. I used the line that, “little girls have emotions and little boys have erections.” The emotional stability that women learn as young girls translates into a fierce understanding of themselves at a much earlier age than their counterparts. Give a little girl a doll and she’ll dress it up and pretend it’s going to the prom. Give a little boy a doll and he’ll rip its clothes off and beat the thing against the coffee table until it breaks. Guys don’t figure out their emotional side until it’s far too late in life to do anything about it. Women develop understanding while guys keep trying to conquer the issue. Keep writing — that’s the key. You’ll discover that what you write about will give you the thesis of your life.

  4. Lily Lau May 1, 2015 at 7:18 pm #

    So proud of you, keep going on, Valerie! 😀

    • valerietoth May 1, 2015 at 8:44 pm #

      Thank you, Lily! I appreciate your support! XO

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