Fast but Not Furious

29 Apr

Hey runner friends! Happy Tuesday morning! I just wanted to share a little tidbit with you all today because I need an outlet.

I’ve had a little heartache (being modest) here lately and rather than letting my emotions overtake me I took it out on the road! It was a quick run and to my surprise I maintained a 6:29 pace! Granted, it was only for 3 miles, I still can’t believe it. I wasn’t setting out to run fast. I set out to run and clear my mind because lately my mind has been lost in the maze of my yesterdays. I ventured for a run to try and map out the path that got me here.

During my run my lungs weren’t fighting for air and my breathing was normal. The only thing racing were my thoughts. I was trying to make sense of my past. As I was running I had flashbacks and I was reliving each experience and each memory. It made my heart flutter. Then abruptly it felt like my heart fell hard on the pavement. Where it landed it felt bruised – bruised were it was once shattered. I began to panic as I continued to reminisce. Why did my heart feel so heavy? I swear I was experiencing some sort of cardiac arrhythmia. It didn’t stop me though. I ran faster thinking the harder I pound out my feelings the less my heart would hurt. I wanted to run over my feelings. I begged for the heaviness to just leave me like the sweat dripping off my body. Don’t we all have days like that? But who am I kidding…I feel everything and hold on to those feelings forever. I don’t know how to stop the cycle. All I know is yesterday I needed the feelings to go away. But contrary to my need, I find solace in some of my memories and I really don’t want or need them to go away. I was just having a highly emotional day. After all, I relish in the little joys that they confer up. They’re my memories only – a perfect blend of heartache, beauty, struggle, and love. Memories with sharp edges, shadows, light, joy, travel, and adventure into the unknown. For me, they are beautiful, inviting, and painful. But without the pain we have no substance. And substance is built from experience. The good and the bad of the experiences.

I can’t help but to think of everyone that I have crossed paths with. Some time and again. I’ve been blessed for their presence in my life. I just want them to know I’m sorry for disappointing them. I hope they can make peace with me. I bore no hard feelings as they’ve been magnanimous friends and influences. Some friends have been tolerant of my nature to want more from myself where others who don’t mean to, misunderstand me – and that’s ok.

I pray that I can continue to run, and run fast but never furious. Just with fervor! I will continue to run as it’s my forum to reflect upon memories of my past as well as reflect and be in the present moment. To those of you who know me personally, please know that when I think of you, I often flash a smile. 🙂

Happy Running!

Valgal

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