Shoes Wisely

3 Aug

I have been running, and running, and running. That’s the great thing. I keep running to work out every scenario in my head because if you don’t know,  I am currently at a crossroads. I am… conflicted.  A friend of mine at work gave me a book to read to help me sort through my dilemma. The book is, Shoes Wisely, written by Dr. Wendy Treat. Knowing me and my obsession with stilettos, wedges, and Nike Free’s, I couldn’t help but giggle because the title is ridiculously appropriate!  The back of the book reads,

“You can’t run a marathon in your stilettos, nor can you attend the ball in your sneakers. God has equipped you to face every season of life, and fully prepared you through the power of His Word.”

Isn’t that the truth?

Here I am, 10 weeks away from our wedding day and my career just threw us for a zinger. And that zinger could mean there is no more “us”.

I have the potential to go after my dream job. The job announcement closes Monday, August 5th and I have known about this for the past week and a half. My resume is ready to go. I have all the documentation to support my resume. I have put out feelers to determine if I would like the chief of staff, the roles, and the responsibility. I have a real growth opportunity if I go after this with all the gusto I have. I want this! I have a good chance of getting this job. I just have to hit SUBMIT.

 But If I hit submit it begins the extensive process of being qualified then interviewed and I wouldn’t likely get an interview until a few weeks before the wedding. So what do we do? Our wedding is hanging over our heads whether or not I get this job. We have to make a decision now without knowing if the job is mine. 

 Do we cancel the wedding without knowing where my future lies? Do we postpone the wedding? Or do we get married and see how long distance works? Did I mention long distance before? This dream job of mine would land me in Washington, D.C. for a few years, maybe longer! This is remarkable!!!

 The snag is my fiancé would remain in Phoenix, Arizona. He doesn’t want to move. I support my fiancé’s reasons for staying but I am saddened he won’t join me on this venture if I get the job (I still have to hit submit!). If this career move in DC is only for two years he doesn’t see the point of packing up, selling the house and finding a new job just to turn around and come back. I understand his point. He’s also smart enough to know I may really like it there and two years may be four. But I know who I am and I know very well I won’t stay in DC for too long since “we” both have our family roots in Phoenix. This is just temporary. But temporary is a subjective term.

My fiancé is in a new role himself for the past four months and I know he is happy. I haven’t seen him this happy in a long time with his job. But his company isn’t in DC or the relative area. His happiness means the world to me and I want him to remain happy. I can’t selfishly ask him to pack up shop and move with me if I get the job while knowing I am putting a halt to his happiness and potential career. I am cognizant of all the things involved (emotions, finances, dilemmas, disappointment, realization that we may not be together, sadness, hurt-the list continues).

 

 And he and his family and my parents keep preaching to me that they thought I wanted kids. Yes. Yes, I do! The plan was get married in October and perhaps stop preventing the possibility of pregnancy come next June. It was discussed and planned.  But when do plans go accordingly? Having kids may be postponed but it would still remain a possibility if we stay together. If I get the job I would be going to DC. When ever was going to DC synonymous for having a hysterectomy!? It’s not like the second I get off the plane they remove my uterus! I didn’t see that in job description and I assure you I read the fine print. Babies would be delayed. And if he doesn’t follow me or if he cancels the wedding, there are no babies in my near future, unless of course I start dating the next President of the United States and he wants them ASAP. (jk)

I know if I don’t put on my big girl, I got this, confident, tenacious, this job is mine persona coupled with my big girl stilettos, I will regret not going after this.  I will always wonder what if. And my fiancé knows this. He doesn’t want me to go after it because there is the possibility he may lose me.  On the other hand he wants me to go after the job because he wants me to follow my dream.

 I risk so much whether or not I apply or don’t apply. My fiancé told me he can’t do long distance, plain and simple. He just doesn’t want to because it hurts too much and causes too much strain on a relationship, especially with the time difference. It was never because there is a lack of trust between us. Last year I was away for two straight months and that was hard enough. This would be a minimum of two years, if not more. I understand his point.

For the past week I have been “shoesing” my Nike Frees and been pounding the treadmill to work this out in my head. I want this job. I am willing to risk everything for this because this is where I have always wanted to be. This potential career move effuses opportunity.

I feel like if there were to be background music in what feels like a sudden Lifetime movie drama series it would be Jason Aldean’s song, “Keep the Girl”. A snapshot of the lyrics are:

This life is full of choices. Hard to make one. All the voices in my head. Those blue eyes I’m in love with or that highway which ever I pick, there’ll be regret.

I go one way I lose everything. I go the other way same thing. I’m torn and it’s tearing me apart. I want to go but I don’t want to break [his] heart. Like a sword with a double edge blade it’s gonna cut deep either way. This little town, that big old world. Chase the dream or keep the [boy].

… I don’t know why I can’t have it all.

 

It’s time I Shoes Wisely.

 

XO

Valgal

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